she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
