this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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