i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
