i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The power of my boobs compel you
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
