if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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