She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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