Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
