Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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