when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
