mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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