I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I see more hoeing in ur future
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