I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We need to get me chipped asap
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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