Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My hand turned me down
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
