Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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