Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
