Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
