I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
