can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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