next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
