there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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