Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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