I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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