I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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