I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
