I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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