Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
