weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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