I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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