I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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