Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
