i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
