East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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