I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I have post one night stand depression
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
