I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
