First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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