sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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