I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
