After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
