It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
