hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
