yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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