Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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