my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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