I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
