Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
