it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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