I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
