There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We have so much sex to catch up on
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
