i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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