guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
